Welcome Back to…
The Dating Project, the newest segment here at The Inside Voice! We’re talking to sexy, successful and smarty-pants women to find out what they really think and feel about dating. Because being single doesn’t mean you’re ALONE.
Let’s meet Jill!***
1. Age and Occupation? 24. Server at L. (ed. note–it’s a fancy pants restaurant in Tribeca)
2. Are you currently in a relationship? No.
3. Place in Order of Importance: Work, Friends, Love, Other.
Other, friends, love, work.
What’s “other” for you? Wellness–meditation, physical movement, yoga, massage, all that good stuff.
4. Can you spot any patterns in past relationships?
Yes. (pause) I’ll lose interest in the relationship, and know it’s not going to last. But I’ll stay in it anyway, for way too long. It gets to the point where I don’t even like the other person as a friend anymore.
How come? I don’t want to react impulsively. 99% of my intuition is on point. I just don’t always listen to it. And it never feels like the right time to break up with someone.
5. Rate yourself, on a scale 1-10:
Self Confidence- 6. Fear plays more of a factor in confidence than positive things. And I do have fear.
Self-Love- That’s really tricky. I would argue a 7, 7.5? 7. In relationships, my own self love is viewed as selfishness by the other woman I’m dating. Self love is really just giving myself the things that are important to me, like personal space. And not necessarily sleeping together every night.
In fact, it’s been a huge issue in the past. I have a difficult relationship with my mother. During college, my girlfriend at the time was offended that I didn’t stand up to my mother about our relationship. But “standing up” to her also meant being at odds with her, and I didn’t want that. Instead, I wanted to nourish the small bit of sweetness in my relationship with my mother. So I chose my relationship with my mother over my relationship with my girlfriend. My girlfriend wasn’t too happy about that, and she thought I was being selfish. But I did what I thought was right at the time.
Attractiveness- (smiles) 8.
6. What barriers keep you from meeting a guy you like?
Dating is weird. Online dating is fine for other people, but I’d never want to do online dating myself. With online dating, you have to develop a whole different communication style.
And the gay community can be really competitive and judgmental. Women are women everywhere.
7. What does your dating life look like now?
Bleak. I’ve been in NYC since July (for a total of 9 months). Before that, I was in Greensboro, North Carolina, where I dated a lot. I came here not knowing anyone. And after 9 months, I finally feel like I’m standing on my own two feet. It’s actually a nice standstill right now with dating. The door isn’t shut, but there’s also no sense of urgency to make something happen. Right now, I’m focusing on friends, eating, drinking, my spiritual life, wellness and mental health.
8. What attributes are most attractive to you in a partner?
CLEAR. I’m such a whore for clarity. I’m so deliberate in everything I do and say. So I really like that in others. Also, trustworthy, funny, loving to themselves, and to humanity. NOT miserable. Your misery is not charming. Motivated–even to grow a garden or do the dishes. Open, smart, encouraging, healthy, kind. Kind to wait staff. Confident.
9. a) What does your perfect love life look like?
I’m with someone who has a passion. They value happiness, and know what that means for them. And they’re NOT trying to find happiness in me. They’ll grant me space to cultivate that on my own, as well. I’m understood.
Eventually we’d share a space, and live together. But in the beginning, we’d have separate homes. We’d have a dog, and cook a lot. We’s share food and beverage together. They’d excite me, inspire me. They’d believe in me.
I would like a partnership, a life time partnership.
b) In a word (or words), what does that scenario feel like?
Invested. Balanced and embracing. It feels positive, like saying “yes” to something. Like saying “yes” to trusting something. To not be trepidatious. To be sure.
10. Last question, do you believe in “The One”?
Sure. Yeah. I believe in The One, sometimes. I fear that The One already entered and exited my life. I think there’s value in believing in The One. Do I think that there’s The One for me? I don’t know. I’d like that.
Inside Voice Wrap Up: Jill is far beyond her 24 years. In fact, I had no idea she was such a New York newbie until I sat down with her for this interview. She’s poised, beautiful, and has a sexy/serious thing going on. She’s correct in her own assessment of herself–she’s clear and deliberate in her actions and speech. It’s the truth. She says what she means, and nothing more. Jill is having a similar experience to many young people who move to NYC after college. She’s getting her grounding, meeting people, and finding her way. She’s confident in herself and her path, and gives herself the flexibility to change her mind. Right now, she’s not looking for a partner. And I think the current volatility in her life would rule out a serious relationship, anyway. But soon enough, Jill wants something solid and stable. Once she gets comfortable in her New York routine, and feels confident in her career and lifestyle, she’ll happily welcome a full-time partner into her life. Until then, it’s gonna be flirting at the bar for Jill. Or not.
***Some names have been changed, some haven’t. Each woman has the option to use her own name or choose her fantasy pseudonym. I’m not telling which ones are which. Hear these women’s voices. Listen to their stories. They’re just like you!